Important information for tables.

I regularly recieve communications for my husband from the Governors services at the council.

The last email had in the title field “Important information for Chairs” Which got me thinking…

So I drafted this in response:


It has come to our attention that there has been much focus on chairs in the recent emails from governor’s services.

As a result – we, the league of conference tables, hope this email will redress some of the balance.

Please note the following key points when recruiting any new tables in schools:

1) Tables should have no fewer than 4 legs, excepting of course when the legs are replaced by wheels. Tables should have no fewer then 2 legs however, as tables with 4 wheels could be accused of being trolleys.

2) Tables with odd numbers of legs should be avoided due to inherent instability issues.

3) Tables should have a horizontal top, excepting when stored vertically. The aforementioned horizontal top should be level, not undulating, or, heaven forbid, at a slope. (Sloping tables should be avoided at all costs due to health and safety concerns regarding hot drink spillages and back injuries caused by retrieval of pens.)

4) Tables can be of any size and shape, however, circular tables are seen to be less useful in the school setting where rectangular tables are preferred. (Circular tables give the feeling of equality – and in schools this must be avoided at ALL COSTS.)

5) Tables can be of any colour, however to achieve the most functionality we suggest wooden veneer. Wooden veneer suits a variety of applications from formal conferences to fundraising evening dinners. They can also of course, be covered with table cloths should the need arise.

6) Tables should be accompanied by chairs, unless of course you are using them for a buffet, in which case chairs just get in the way.

7) Finally, tables are NOT beds. Kindly refrain from allowing governors to sleep on them during meetings.

Warmest regards

Bill Yardtable.

Christmas Concert Conundrums.

Whilst walking my daughter and her friend to Rainbows the other night I heard a great conversation between the pair of them.

I: We’ve had our concert today.
E:Ours is tomorrow.
I: Ours was “the first Christmas”. What’s your concert? “The Second Christmas?”

Well, it made me giggle.

And I suppose it lends itself to creative exploration at some point…

Why is it. when everything calms down, my head goes into overdrive?

What is it about the creative mind? So far I’ve been SO busy I’ve not had time to stop and think about anything… and then the snow hit! Whoosh… things suddenly calm down with a bang (or should I say soft waft) and rather than my brain relaxing, it starts thinking about new screenplay ideas, new books, new murder mysteries…

Not to mention I’ve had a dream I can remember every night for a week. Yesterday the world was ending, we were all stuck in a tower block in Aberdeen watching a tidal wave come in and I was panicking that my husband wouldn’t make it back from Banchory Devnick secondary school (of all places, he only went there for an afternoon visit!) Last night I was dodging Mormons around the local park, trying to avoid them loaning me a car in case it had repercussions…

Needless to say my brain is obviously filled with weird junk!

Anyway… suddenly the creative juices are flowing again and what happens? There just isn’t enough time to get it all on paper!

And, while I’m having a rant… why is it, every year, you TEST the fairy lights, they all work, you put them up, you turn them on and NOTHING. After an evening replacing every bulb in 200 on the string around the top of the ceiling to try and find the faulty one, and trying to find the faulty bulb on the 200 Christmas tree lights which are only lit every second bulb, only to remove one and have the whole string plunge into darkness we decided to head off to B&Q; and buy some LED lights and replace the whole lot! Needless to say our bin now has 3 sets of faulty fairy lights in it. Goodluck to anyone who decides to do a bin raid and steal them.

Next year, as you can’t replace the LED bulbs, if the string doesn’t work – its a replace the whole string job rather than spending 2 hours up a ladder or reaching through pine needles to extract a bulb.

Anyway – today, would have been a good day to write, but as it happens it’s Christmas time so I’ve been sorting out the round robin instead. (Yes I know… everyone hates them, nobody reads them, but EVERYBODY expects them!)

Still, maybe I can get back to that elusive book / screenplay over Christmas between mince pie making…