Important information for tables.

I regularly recieve communications for my husband from the Governors services at the council.

The last email had in the title field “Important information for Chairs” Which got me thinking…

So I drafted this in response:


It has come to our attention that there has been much focus on chairs in the recent emails from governor’s services.

As a result – we, the league of conference tables, hope this email will redress some of the balance.

Please note the following key points when recruiting any new tables in schools:

1) Tables should have no fewer than 4 legs, excepting of course when the legs are replaced by wheels. Tables should have no fewer then 2 legs however, as tables with 4 wheels could be accused of being trolleys.

2) Tables with odd numbers of legs should be avoided due to inherent instability issues.

3) Tables should have a horizontal top, excepting when stored vertically. The aforementioned horizontal top should be level, not undulating, or, heaven forbid, at a slope. (Sloping tables should be avoided at all costs due to health and safety concerns regarding hot drink spillages and back injuries caused by retrieval of pens.)

4) Tables can be of any size and shape, however, circular tables are seen to be less useful in the school setting where rectangular tables are preferred. (Circular tables give the feeling of equality – and in schools this must be avoided at ALL COSTS.)

5) Tables can be of any colour, however to achieve the most functionality we suggest wooden veneer. Wooden veneer suits a variety of applications from formal conferences to fundraising evening dinners. They can also of course, be covered with table cloths should the need arise.

6) Tables should be accompanied by chairs, unless of course you are using them for a buffet, in which case chairs just get in the way.

7) Finally, tables are NOT beds. Kindly refrain from allowing governors to sleep on them during meetings.

Warmest regards

Bill Yardtable.

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